I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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