I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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