it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
