I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
