I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
