i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
