to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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