Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
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If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
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It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?