he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law