i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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