mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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