It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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