and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
