Is it normal to miss your booty call?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
