you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
