Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
