you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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