White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
