I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
