Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
