My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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