If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
