If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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