If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
