it wasn't lemon gatorade
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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