The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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