Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
