At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
