I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
