I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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