my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
