I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
