Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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