Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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