My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
