I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
