He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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