How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
