This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
