I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
