Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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