Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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