If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.