you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
