I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
