nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
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Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
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I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.