And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
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Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
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30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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