i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
