I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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