Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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