I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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