He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You are a genius and a whore.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
