It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
