I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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