My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Who died my cat blue again?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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