I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
