Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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