i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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