I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
