Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
